Category: Dating and Relationships
In my opinion, trust is as fragile as a mirror; once shattered, it can never be piece back together the same way.
My question is this: Assuming that you’re in a nurturing and loving relationship, and you’ve learn that your partner had cheated on you, can you forgive and trust him/her the same way you did before the betrayal?
Hmm having been in this position the answer is definately no.
i'd have to say no, because you wouldn't be sure that it wouldn't happen again.
definitely not.
Having had my trust broken before, I did trust him but not as fully as I once had. I didn't go crazy and not trust him at all, but there have been times where a tiny suspition lurked and made things a bit uncomfortable. lol I guess if you love someone, you just find ways to forgive them even though you know you are at risk of being hurt again. *sigh* I hate the pain love brings sometimes! lol But after all is said and done, I still love him. I love you Honey!
It's hard, infact, I was thinking about this, this very morning.
Hopefully, if the bond is strong enough, but sometimes it's not. I had a boyfriend cheat on me, and didn't have the respect to tell me right away.
I forgave him, but he said that we couldn't be an item anymore because he couldn't live with the guilt of what he'd done.
That's a strange one.
He cheated on me, and then felt to guilty about it to try again.
I'm still shaking my head over that one.
I'd like to add a twist to this question. For those of you who answered no, would it change at all if the event is a one time thing rather than an on going one?
Ah but the cheater has proved their propensity to lie and cheat, so I would still want nothing to do with them .
I think I could forgive my partner if he did cheat, but it would be hard to trust him completely again. If it was a one-time thing, we could probably work through that, but if he was in a long-term relationship with someone else or continued to cheat with other people, I couldn't continue the relationship. Also, for me it would also depend if we were already married or not. I think it'd be easier for me to end the relationship if we were not married, but if we were, it'd honestly be harder for me to know what to do, and I think I'd want us to do more to work things out, as I really don't believe in divorce unless the problem was one that could not be fixed, for instance if it turned out my husband was gay or bi and had never told me. (Of course, I have nothing against either), but the fact that he would lie about something major like that and know that I wouldn't marry a homo- or bi-sexual both because I just wouldn't and because he wouldn't be free to see another man or whatever, would be very hurtful that he had held a major thing like that back. OK, that last part was a little of the subject maybe, but yeah, if he were to cheat on me for that last reason, I would definitely end the relationship, and I don't know if I could forgive him. I Probably could in that I wouldn't hate him and would still talk to him as a friend, but I couldn't continue a relationship based on that. I don't think this issue would be as common now maybe, but that's if that situation were to happen with me.
Yes, but we all make mistakes. If it's a one time thing, then maybe so, but ... "fool me once, shame on you..."
Bob
I would have to aggree with Michelle o saki on this one! I could learn to trust him again. If I loved him enough to be in the relationship, then I should love him enough to at least try. As long as I knew it wasn't going to happen again. If it did, hell no, would I try again. hehehe smiles . but yeah, pretty much what all she said.
If I found out someone cheated, even once, they would see the othr side of the door very quickly. I'm not saying i'd blow up and scratch his eyes out, truth is, especially if i ever caught soemone, I'd just say you win, and leave where I saw them. That's how i lok at it, if you're cheated on,t hen oh well, you must have not been what they wanted, os good luck tot hem in the future. I realize no one is that level headed in that situation, but I'd try to be as that. as possible.
Ok, here's my penny worth of thoughts.
Whether or not I can forgive the person will depend on several things.
A. Whether or not we are married. If we are in a dating phase, then it doesn't matter if it's a one time thing, I'd send him packing.
B. If we're married, and there aren't any kids involve, then it would depends on his reason for cheating. assuming that he made a mistake, and it was only a one time thing, I'd give him a chance providing he'd do everything in his power to be trust worthy. However, if he cheated on me because he no longer love me, I'd rather cut my losses and say goodbye.
C. If we have children together, I'd try hard to put my pride and feelings aside so that the family would stay intact. This said, I think it will be extremely weighing to the relationship, for I could never trust this person again. Without trust, there's no respect. And without respect, I could not love the person. For me, trust and respect go hand in hand.
I don't know if I could. It definitely would take me a long time again, I might get more controlling and jealous, if I forgave. It just depends ... if I see that he is really sorry and he is trying hard to make it r ight, I might forgive.
It's hard to answer this questio without being in the position, i guess it depends on the person and the strength and loyalty involved in the relationship.
hmm, i think i could forgive once but i don't think I'd have the same trust for them, and if it happened more then once then i'd turn them loose.. I can't be put through that again and again.
I agree. More than once, and I'd be gone. And yes, iti would take me a long time to trust them again, as I already said.
Yeah I think that if you love them, you can work on building up that trust again. After all, nobody is perfect. Although, if it happened a second time, then that would be it.
I agree, Guitarrgod, you can build up the trust again, but for me at least it would take a long time and he would really have to show me he's worth a second try.
Guitargod1, While I agree that with love, one can eventually rebuilt the trust. However, when it comes to cheating, it is not the question of perfection, but rather one's sense of moral (or lack there of) that should be taken in to consideration. Moreover, cheating is not at all a loving act.
Of course not, Mini Schtroumpfette. But if your partner really shows that he is sincerely sorry, I think it is fair to give them a second chance.
You would always be burdened and tortured by insecurity, and once that starts, the guilty party will put you, exactly where they want you.
so for those of you who would never be able to trust someone who had cheated on you, could you have a relationship with someone who had cheated on a previous partner? After all, if they'd cheated before, then chances are they could do it again?
Hmm, relationships are all about dynamics between two people. That seems painfully obvious of course but it has implications. Once one person cheats it's either because he/she, in general, just doesnot want a relationship or because the current relationship has enough problems so that it's not something he/she really wants.
I think the fundamental mistakes, and incidentally a reason for most "cheats" in a rellationship, is failure of communication. After all, if it can be fixed it has to be known to be broken to both partners, if it's broken beyond repair and both people recogznie it it gives them time to break up and seak other interests. I think, sadly, most of us refuse to believe something is not working until we stare ourselves in the face knowing we did what we never thought we would do, to cheat on a partner. That being said it depends what you consider cheating, how far does one have to go to have cheated, a flirty comment, a pat on the bck, a kiss, or a wild night out with someone else. Temptations are out there, people may not know how to deal with compliments or flattery or they may simply be boozed up and not able to deal with their hormones. None of this is an excuse but when you combine those factors and you provide a rather strict definition for cheating I think most of us have cheated to some degree at some point in our lives. And that's why I don't see a person having previously cheated on a relationship that subsequently dissolved as any more untrustworthy than someone who's never cheated. After all, perhaps, a person that's never cheated may still feel the need to try something different, try a "wild" life in a sense and that may be a motivation for that person to give up on the trusted, perhaps a bit boring, relationship once it starts getting old (perhaps not of course).
All this being said, I think once a person cheats it'll take a lot to fix it and if the cheating extends to actually sleeping with someone, in my opinion, it's hard to impossible to fix. If it's a trend that clearly displays the person is escaping the relationship it's something people must learn to admit and work out between them, either to help each other stick with what they have or to break it off.
So, as one would expect, there are too many factors to say a blank yes or no to giving someone a second or even a third chance, but if a person is cheating or seaking to cheat it displays something big must change in order for a relationship to survive.
Yes, that's true though, Claire.
Definitely not. My opinion is that if they do oit once they will surely again. And the next time will be more careful that you don't find out.
Yeah, that might be the case, you're right.
To Answer your question GuitarGod1, I think a lot of us are egocentric when confronted with this kind of situation. IN other words, when we find out that the person we’re involved with had previously cheated on his/her partner, we’d prefer to be oblivion to that fact. “It won’t happen to me... our relationship is different... he/she wasn’t happy in the other relationship... He.she had changed since then... yata yata yata...” In short, we think some how we’re unique, and that our partner won’t repeat past history.
Having read Wildebrew’s post, I’m curious to know how does each of you define cheating ?
for me, anything from kissing on is considered cheating.
Yeah. I would agree with that. For me, kissing on the lips and doing things passed that would be cheating. Hugging and maybe kissing on the cheek is fine, as I would expect friends to hug each other anyway, and a kiss on the cheek doesn't seem as intimate to me as a kiss on the lips would. Also, if he spent a lot of time talking to other girls one-on-one, I would wonder. I mean, of course, I would not mind him talking to other girls at all, like if he said hi to or was having a casual conversation with one or had friends that are girls. But if he spent too much time alone with another girl, even if they weren't doing anything, it would make me wonder if anything was going on. But of course, if (assuming he is an honest person) he told me nothing was going on, I'd probably believe him, unless I felt otherwise.
i feel the same way lalani.
For me, flirting is not yet cheating, but when it comes to body contact like kissing or more, then it is cheating.
I think that everyone has their own definition of cheating. But I also think that your definition of cheating can change depending on the situation. For instance, I have a friend who was living with a partner, and unbeknown to her her partner was having lots of very flirtatious conversations on a chat site on the internet. Not just flirtatious conversations, he was telling girls that he had become attracted to them, was hoping to meet them etc, could see himself having a future with them even. HE apparently saw it as innocent flerting, but for the girls he was telling these things to, they thought that he had developed genuine feelings for them, when in actual fact he just got off on the attention he received. None the less, his partner was unaware of all this, until she found a copy of an email on his computer, and she then signed up to the site and caught him out that way. So, although he never actually physically kissed any of these girls, he did tell them of his physical intentions in the event he and they should ever meet, he did it behind his girlfriend’s back, and one would imagine that he certainly wasn’t thinking of his girlfriend at the time he was having long intimate conversations with perhaps 5/6 girls at a time. So while he hadn’t physically cheated, on his girlfriend, wouldn’t you think that this was a form of cheating? As a matter of interest, his girlfriend found out and they are no longer together, but he is, in actual fact, now living with one of the girls he originally came on to on the net, I imagine she’s unaware of his past exploits…
The thing with cheating is say i cheated on, hmm gold fingas, lol i neeeded a male name. He has every right to distrust me again, because I could say I'm sorry I didn't mean to, I love you I want this to work etc... And yet, all of that is is just words. I can give him as much lip service as he wants to hear, because if he chose to trust me again, all I'd need to do is fool him into false happiness with the right words. As for what i consider cheating, If he loked at another girl across a room,a nd she slipped him her phone number, Id probably be very pissed off. To me, that's intent right there. I'm not sure how i'd handle the previous partner being cheated on, because I would be constantly worried I would be cheated on.
well hear goes, i have cheated on alot of my boy friends in the past, but when i was with mark, that is my little girls dad, i never cheated, because i new that i was inlove with him completely. but when i found out he had cheated on me, i went nuts, and hit him and screamed and shouted.
but when we got back together after more than a year apart, i still didn't fully trust him, i hadn't forgiven him and nor will i ever, but i loved him and wanted us to be a family again, this time when we broke up there were no others involved, but now he has a new girl friend na di still feel cheated and betrayed.
vell trust can be broken in many different ways. It just depends on the circumstance and how you deal with it. hmmm, for example. say your boyfriend wants to go somewhere and you don't want him to for some reason. He tells you he won't go, and ends up going anyway. He comes home and tells you later he went. He gives you the line, I'm sorry i'll never do it again? I wasn't with anyone else! Do you believe him and still trust him? i mean after all he lied and broke your trust once, how do you know he's not lieing about cheating? your always going to have that doubt in your mind. Do you stay with him and try to get over it, do you let him rebuild your trust? or do you end things right then? Just curious on your take on this! Forgiving and rebuilding the trust takes a lot of work and if you love someone enough it can be done!
Hmm, well, why would you forbid your boy friend to go somewhere anyways. You could say "I don't like it if you do that/go there" but forbidding just sounds a bit bossy <grin>. But, anyways, people need to consider why cheating occurs, why the person did it before and if he/she is likely to do it again in current relationship or whether the circumstances are different this time around. Those who have ended up cheating also need to ask themselves why it happened, did they just want to explore other guys/girls (in which case they should not date anyone in the first place, if they want to play they're much better of single), did they do it when they felt the relationship wasn't working but didn't have the courage to bring it up with the partner to break it off cleanly (a mistake that they should learn from, it's all about communication, even when what you have to communicate isn't nice), is it about something the partner doesn't do for them physically or otherwise (something they could discuss and agree on with their partner if it becomes an issue), were they justt stupid/immature.
Cheating is never justified but absolutely everyone makes mistakes of one kind or another, does stupid things they regret or learn from, just because your partner has broken a promise or cheated in the past can't automatically disqualify him/her, if that were the case we'd all be single all the time.
The question is rather, do you trust the partner and trust that your relationship will be different, either because you fit together better, you communicate better or he/she has learnt from the previous mistakes.
Relationships don't last forever unless there's enough attraction and a lot of work involved. You need both to start out completely in love and also be able to be best friends, if you don't have both of these things and you don't learn communication and dedication along the way your relationship won't last, whether it be cheating or you just argue and break up. Once you cheat or your partner cheats he/she doesnot believe in the relationship any more. I'd say over 99% of relationships do not recover from it unless there are specific reasons why it happened and people learn from it.
That's why a blanket "yes" or "no" can't be the answer to whether you'd take the person back.
I've been in both situations: I've been cheated on by a boyfriend and the guy I'm dating now cheated on his last girlfriend. When I was cheated on it was cuz we were young and stupid and he didn't think the relationship was as serious as I was making it out to be...anyway, I ended it because I could see myself turning into that nagging, insecure, woman that I swore I'd never be.
As for my current boyfriend, he straight up told me that he did cheat on his ex; he also told me that she did the same to him. It did throw me for a loop and made me wonder about our relationship but you know, he told me that he didn't want to be like that anymore, that he wanted to be faithful and he proves his loyalty to me all the time so, for the most part, I don't think I have anything to worry about. I'm not gonna lie, when I don't hear from him, thoughts do cross my mind but the minute we have a chance to talk, he explains himself and more ofthe than not, his family is around and vouches for him as well.
All that to say that the past is the past and even though there may be baggage, if you love that person, you'll find a way to make it work.
Being the heartless bastard that I am, I could not forgive someone for cheating on me. Mistakes are mistakes, but in my view, cheating is a blatant, heartless, uncaring, malicious intent to harm the other emotionally. You know eventually you'll be caught, you know it's wrong, and yet you persist. Knowing a wrong, then committing the wrong, is ... well, wrong.
Honestly? No, probably not, no matter how hard you tried, the fact that he/she still cheated and still could cheat will always be there. Now some will try ot forgive depending on the circumstance, like me for instance, but still, it is very veyr hard.
I've done some thinking with regard to the subject and, a lot of it has to do with the severity of the level of cheating, as well as the duration of the cheat. For example, I'd probably have an easier time forgiving someone if the cheating "only" involve kissing and minor flirtation. However, if the action keeps on reoccuring, and if there's sex involved, then I honestly don't think I'd be strong enough to forgive.
No, I will most definitely not be so forgiving if I found out a girlfriend of mine was cheating on me. Kissing or anything beyond I consider cheating in my book.
NO, I would end it right there, marriage included. especially in a marriage . I've cheated before and don't do such things anymore. it's just flat wrong no matter how you dress it up. Now here is an interesting twist what about people who start cheating in a marriage then get divorced and marry the person they were cheating with. I don't know how you can even begin to trust that person, They've left one person for you and more than likely are going to leave you for someone else. Not to mention the shame involved in that sort of thing, oh wait I forgot people don't have any shame any more.
Shea and others, you asked me if I'd be pissed off if he went out and did something i didn't want to and told me later. I would, but at the same time, I'm not goingt be controling and say come here by this time, I do that I end up being a prison guard. I can understand yogie's position of ending things and i would too. I know we love te kids, stay together for them, but would you stay together say if you were getting smacked around? I know it's a diferent subject, but at the same point, not really because you still love the guy, and you would to if he'd been a previous cheater. I know none of us is perfect, but at least be honest enough to say hey I really think I have more in common with this person then you, I'd like to breakthings off. Why we dramatize things, and flip out is beyond me. I know you're all thinking i'm insane no one's that level headed, but truth is I'm just nothing special so if someone i'm dating goes off and gets drunk, screws soemone, good, she canhave him. End of story and little me? Oh well.
Well the points you made about they might do it again and all that made me look at it from another point of view, and I am not that sure anymore if I would give him a second chance.
k, I know that I'm like a month late on this, but I'm going to post anyways.
Me personally, I think that everyone deserves a second chance, but if u fuck that up, then your gone! Trust can never, ever be fully given again, there is always going to be a little bit of doubt in your mind...
It just depends to whom, for what, when and how it actually happened. But if this person has done any wrong, it is natural that you may assume it could happen again. Just be as cautious as you can, take it slowly and take time to get to know him in every way and in every situation. It is also inportant not to put yourself in any conflicting situation or show any weakness in front of him, although this can be hard for most of us girls, because we are pretty emotional. But it is probably a good strategy and only then he may sit down, think about what he had done, reevaluate himself and decide on what it is that he really needs and wants out of that relationship, other people and life in general.
I have found this to be a rather interesting board topic. From what I've read so far it looks to me like forgiving the other person for cheating equates to staying in the relationship. I think choosing to forgive someone and deciding to stay in the relationship are two entirely separatethings. One may choose to forgive but not wish to remain in the relationship. You might be able to forgive but you might not be able to forget. Anyways, just my two cents on the topic.
hmmm, I don't know goodgirl, you can be as cautious as you can and take time to know the person, but if the cheater decided to cheat, there's nothing you can do except to stay or take flight.
I agree with you crazy_cat. there should be a distinction made between forgive and forget, which is not always easy.
I agreee that with both of you. If one decides to cheat, they would cheat no matter what. Some people are just meant to cheat and it is their part of life, but it is not fair at all for the other person who may be suffering because of what their partner has done. There are just so many variations of this that can be discussed, general and more spesific, so that is probably why some people get bored, not knowing it all.
Yes I can forgive the person, but it will take a while for me to completely trust the person again.
no